


Grow.

by nsofties



Series: jaewin social media au [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, Rejection, Snapshots, for my au just a tad bit too long so its here on ao3, mention of vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-13 14:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18033164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nsofties/pseuds/nsofties
Summary: Sicheng spirals.





	Grow.

**Author's Note:**

> this is text for my [jaewin twitter social media au](https://twitter.com/nsofties/status/1099482717773840385) that i'm working on!  
> i guess it can't really stand alone by itself - or maybe it can.  
> proof-read like. once. again - there is a mention of vomiting at the very end  
> sometimes heartbreak has to happen before happiness.  
> sometimes.

Sicheng feels the guilt pool in his stomach - it’s heavy, and he thinks if he were to vomit, it would be letters - the same seven letters over and over and over again. Enough to spell  _ I’m sorry _ a thousand times. He didn’t realize - he didn’t  _ think _ . It’s nothing new, but he still feels like shit for it. His mind races and he hopes that he doesn’t look as torn apart as he feels. 

It isn’t Sicheng’s place - it isn’t even  _ remotely _ his right - to know, to say, to decide what’s best for Jaehyun. He knows that. He  _ knows _ that, but he can’t help but think that being together isn’t good for either of them. Sicheng cannot, with peace of mind, move forward alongside Jaehyun. Not with all the damage he has done, is doing, will do. So much damage.

He decides quickly that moving alone for the time being will be the best thing for both of them. He knows. He  _ knows _ that for him to make this decision for Jaehyun is selfish and cruel - but he also knows that Jaehyun will be happier for it. Sicheng hates the idea of them being apart again, but he does truly believe that they’ll find their way back to one another. They always have.

It’s like that one time they went camping and they decided splitting up was the best thing for whatever reason was going through their stupid, stupid teenage brains. They were separated for hours. Or the time they went to that amusement park together and were separated for the entire day. They eventually found one another in front of the rollercoaster that Jaehyun said he would never ride in a million years. Or the first year that Jaehyun went to college. Sicheng missed Jaehyun terribly, but they always found one another during the breaks, waving from their driveways. Or the six years between then and now. They always find their way back to one another. Sicheng just hopes it doesn’t take another six years.

Jaehyun looks small - his hands clutch, unrelenting, to the fabric of his sweatpants as he looks anywhere but at Sicheng. And he  _ hates _ it. He knows Jaehyun and he knows how much courage it took his best friend to confess. Jaehyun deserved better, deserves better, needs better than Sicheng. All he has done is  _ hurt _ Jaehyun in a million and one ways. He’s broken Jaehyun into pieces so many times, left him to pick them back up on his own. He wonders if he’s still whole, or if he’s left a trail behind him, leading back to the start.

Sicheng wants to vomit, still. Maybe enough to spell out  _ I’m sorry _ a hundred thousand times. Maybe even a million. He wants to be back in Alaska. His mind replays everything from the trip like a blur, small moments peaking out. Sicheng remembers Jaehyun’s absolutely devastated face as he measured a crab, deeming it the appropriate size to keep. It took hours to convince Jaehyun that it was okay - that it would be okay.

He thinks about how Jaehyun had led him so confidently through the forests near the home they were staying at, fingers firmly gripping his sleeve, catching him when he would fall. He knows that Jaehyun’s confidence outdoors is no façade - he’s meant to be there, most comfortable there. He would be at home, doing research out in the field. Sicheng hates that he led Jaehyun to a place that feels so alien.

His favorite memory - the one that he hopes he’ll never forget, is Jaehyun’s smile as he turned to him after waving to the dog, Hazel. He had  _ immediately _ asked Sicheng if they could get a dog for the show and he had rolled his eyes, asking who would take care of it. Jaehyun had quieted down about the dog, though Sicheng didn’t say anything when he looked over Jaehyun’s shoulder and saw tabs open for dog rescues.

Ten years sounds like a long time to know someone, but, Sicheng thinks to himself, he can condense all ten years into a few distinct moments. He thinks about the day he moved. Fifteen and miffed at his mom for deciding to move in the first place, he had grumbled the entire time, moving suitcases and boxes, until his next-door neighbor appeared, picking up a box and asking his mom where to put it. Sicheng might have realized in the back of his head that he had fallen in love, but all he had vocalized to his mother that night, over boxes of takeout was, “I think I’m going to like it here after all.”

Two years sounds like a short time to fall in love, but Sicheng knows that he did. It isn’t hard to fall in love with a boy who picks you up from dance class on the other side of town, still dripping sweat from basketball practice. A boy who wakes up an extra hour and a half every Sunday to make breakfast with you even though he can’t cook to save his life. A boy who smiles at you, even when you don’t deserve it. Sicheng fell in love in two years and all he had to show for it was a, “God, Sicheng I’m sorry,” and a broken heart.

Seven years is a long time. Seven years is enough time to pack memories up and away. Seven years is enough time to convince yourself that you’ve moved on and everything is okay. Seven years, Sicheng thought, was enough. It wasn’t, but he had convinced himself that it was. Seven years are all Sicheng has to show for this - two broken hearts and two very uncertain futures.

Sicheng wraps every memory up, and tucks it away. He doesn’t deserve happy Jaehyun memories anymore, he decides. He’s done enough. He hasn’t earned enough. Jaehyun looks as if his world has been shattered - and he’s sure it is. Into tiny little pieces that Sicheng made - that Sicheng can’t pick up for him anymore. His nails dig into his thighs as the timer in the kitchen goes off. This is the reality he has made. They still eat dinner together, regardless.

Sicheng feels seventeen again. But he knows. They need to grow.

 

 

 

That night, Sicheng vomits, eyes closed. I’m sorry, his mind chants.  _ Jaehyun Jaehyun Jaehyun. _


End file.
